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And You Are Gone

By Mira Khatib

 

I open my eyes and stare at the ceiling and just for a split second fool myself in believing that my life is as normal as always, but then it hits me like thousands of bricks raining down on me, and suddenly it is difficult to breathe; but I continue to breathe as I realize… you are gone.

Even though I don’t want to get out of bed or have the will to move, yet I drag myself and wash my face, brush my teeth, shower, get dressed, mundane tasks that I do without will… and you are gone.

I sip my morning coffee that somehow has lost its flavor, and I can’t believe that I am allowing myself to indulge in this simple morning ritual… and you are gone.

I go to work and talk to people, we actually discuss weather and meaningless things, I see they are tiptoeing around me with no eye contact not knowing how to deal with my grief; I don’t blame them as I don’t know how to deal with my grief; and my mind feels numb but I continue to talk anyway… and you are gone.

We sit down to have lunch, and I don’t understand how I am chewing this food, and allowing myself to continue living while you no longer exist, I feel the need to apologize for eating, for drinking for breathing…and you are gone.

Once again it is the darkest hour of the night, and I am alone with my thoughts, and in the screaming silence I’m bombarded by questions that will remain unanswered; did I do enough? Was I good enough? Did I say I love you enough? Can you hear me? Do you see me? Will you visit me? Why did you go? Why? Why? And my tears spill on my face and I feel like I’m drowning in my sobs, but I hold back the tears with all my might swallowing back all the pain, sadness, emptiness; fearing if I let go I will cry a river and never stop…and you are gone.

I close my eyes and try to lose myself in another world praying to see you in a dream, how much I wish to talk to you one more time, to touch you one more time, to smell you one more time and tell you how much I love you, miss you and need you.

Although I carry you in my heart, mind and soul and you will forever remain a part of me… I know this is the circle of life and somehow I will go on, even though… you are forever gone.

This short piece is dedicated to all those whom have loved and lost. May your hearts heal, your souls find peace and rekindle that spark to be happy again.

Photo credit: h.koppdelaney / Foter / CC BY-ND

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One comment

  1. My heart is aching yet I find it in me to keep moving. I urge all who lost someone special to keep moving to keep giving.
    With love

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