By A tortured soul
You have to believe me when I tell you that I didn’t mean to fall in love with another man, it is true for why would I jeopardize my marriage and family, my sanity? But from the moment our eyes met, and hands touched I just knew…my heart pounded fiercely against my chest in a way like never before. I couldn’t explain it, but it happened…I fell in love.
A feeling that so many long for and go through life dreaming of, I was under its spell. But the timing couldn’t have been worse. Yes, I am married; I was wed in the traditional way, he fit all the criteria for a good husband and so the decision was made based on logical factors, not feelings. My life was very typical of a normal married life, talk of bills, errands, chores and kids consumed us. I was too busy to realize at times the emptiness inside of me, that longing for something more. I never really noticed it all, all until I met him. Then I was faced with that void that was yearning to be filled.
With high morals, ethics and conservative attitude, the thought repulsed me; for I am the one who looked down on those so many unfaithful hearts…I refused to be one of them! But even if I lied to the world, how could I lie to myself and heart, how could I deny what was pulsing in my veins and very core? How could I go on living with someone while my heart was with someone else? It is a kind of torture that eats you up and you cannot talk about.
When I spend time with “him”, I forget myself, forget I am a wife, a mother, someone’s daughter, I forget the world and I just become a woman in love. Don’t get me wrong I know my limits and I stick to them, the feelings inside of me are just that, feelings inside of me; my secret, my heart. In my darkest moments and wildest thoughts I dream to indulge myself and live my fantasy of being with the one I truly love…but even here I stop myself, my thoughts, for they are as forbidden as my love.
I look at my husband and wonder if he too has a void inside of him? That the love he feels for me is one created by time and his heart aches for another. I live with guilt, with shame, and if I knew how to stop this hurricane inside of me I would…but feelings are just like that, you really have no control over them, they don’t make sense they are not logical, they do not hear the voice of reason.
My life goes on, immersing myself in useless daily chores not to give me the time to think or feel…yet no matter how hard I try, in the back of my mind, buried deep inside of my heart is a love that will never see the light of day. Life as I see it is about choices, and mine are very limited, I had to go with a choice that can make me live with myself without causing harm to others, and I continue to live with that burden until one day I find a way to breathe again.
Photo credit: Lotus Carroll / Foter /