By A tortured soul
It seems like a life time ago when I wore that white dress and walked down the aisle. Like any young bride I had an image of a happy and perfect life ahead. A good husband a few kids, gathered around the kitchen table while enjoying my freshly baked pastries. Yes, I had a simple yet what I thought was an attainable dream. Little did I know that my dream would turn into a nightmare.
I wouldn’t say I was wed out of love, it was more of an expected affair, we were neighbors and grew up together and from an early age everyone said we would end up together, so the idea just stuck and when he proposed there was no reason to refuse. little did I know that the man that I thought would be my protector, my partner, my love, will turn out to be the source of my pain.
You would never know by just looking at me that I live with a daily struggle to be close to my husband. One would think we are such love birds and I might even come across like the wild type that quenches her thirst of romance and passion.
But I’m timid, shy, quiet, and broken. My husband hates me! Yes, you read right, he can’t even hear my voice when I speak. He hardly talks to me let alone touch me. It was a miracle that I had my girl. Many nights as I cry myself to sleep I wonder why he even married me? Was it just to have that complete image of success and perfection? What did i do wrong to make him reject me this way? I question myself and doubt my femininity.
I long for a kind look a warm embrace a passionate relationship. I am still fairly young and considered reasonably attractive I deserve to be loved and appreciated. Sometimes I wish to have the courage and dead conscience and cheat on him – yes, he is pushing me into that path, but I cannot imagine myself being such a person.
I am not sure if he has someone else in his life, or if he is cheating on me? Sometimes I even wish that he is so I know he is normal and capable of loving another.
I do think of leaving, but where to? I don’t have family anymore, and unfortunately I don’t have the education or tools to be independent and rid of him. I am stuck. In this shallow empty life, going through my days in longing and despair praying that one day he will change and want me like any man wants his wife or wants a woman.
I bury my feelings and put my energy and focus on my girl, try to fill my days with empty social events to ignore the emptiness inside me. The unknown of tomorrow always scares me, I have no sense of security, or stability, and although I hate him for hating me and not wanting me, but I will keep trying to be any woman for him, in hopes that my life will not be doomed to despair and loneliness.