By Najwan Al Khatib
Every day is a battle… It is indeed that simple. There are no absolute remarkable days, but, there are absolute lifeless days, and some come bizarrely grey between both good and bad. Some days are a storm of winds and water, and other days are somewhat quiet… but the shadow always hovers above your head that you are the weakest person on this earth. The battle is forever persistent.
The day of a person depressed begins somewhat like this: You wake up, unwilling to move from bed, and unwilling to leave your pillow. The dread of going to work prevents you from realizing that the clock is ticking and you need to tear yourself from the “blanket protection”. After both sides of your head explodes in a tug of war | one side convincing you to go and the other not | you finally pick yourself up, to go and take a shower. A dilemma; how does clean water and scented soap make a person afraid for no obvious reason, I am yet to discover. You close the door of the bathroom and sit on the floor. After sobbing for what seems like endless hours while the water comes down uselessly, you finally gather yourself to the “simple-hard-basic” act of shower.
Dressing up is not easy too! With depression, you can excuse yourself by going to work even in the drabbest of clothes, and you would not even mind.
You ignite the car and shift to drive. You imagine 100000 thousand things that would prevent you from reaching work; like an accident, you flipping the car, a sudden heart attack, a traffic jam from here to the airport, an enormous fire blocking the city…… and the closer you are to work, the more anxiety and panic starts to build. It is no surprise if you keep circling the block for no apparent reason… for fear is reason enough.
You arrive work and the day rolls on. Some days are a success, some are average, and the unlucky have awful days with futile results. The predicament hereafter kicks in; do you stay afloat and keep pounding through? Or do you simply resign and just sit in a corner of your room hoping you do not exist? People do not help too. For them they only see the shadow of a person you have become; some call you lazy, others stupid, others don’t even comprehend, some call you useless and some… well they just want you out of the way. No one sees passed the image, and no one looks inside your broken heart.
Food is another matter; for some, food is the object of binging, and for some it is unnecessary; the extreme of both worlds. But I will say this: eating or no eating, it does not make the depression fade away. There are no steady outcomes.
Night falls into the sky and the sun has died yet another day; another day has passed; another day of your hopeless life. The struggle to sleep is an epic in itself. You stare at the television hoping it would set your mind at ease by watching idle idiotic programs with no significance and no goal. Forget about reading, the brain doesn’t even allow you to accept the thought of any book. Restless and irritated and nervous, you finally fall asleep. Then the dreams begin; those terrifying dreams that make you wake up silently screaming or sweating or even crying. Then, and finally, the night is over and the morning comes again… it all starts over and over and over again.
You think every minute of every day about death and it goes on and on until you reach below point zero; you reach underground, you have sadly shattered yourself.
What to do?
Think small, start small, walk slow…
To be continued…
Enduring Depression Part 2 http://en.arabwomanmag.com/enduring-depression-part-2/