I have a secret, one that weighs heavily on my shoulders. You see, the truth is I am cheating myself out of happiness. Do I do it deliberately? Maybe so, but the reason that makes me sabotage my own contentment stems from a very painful past.
I was in an abusive marriage, abusive in every way; degrading, demeaning, hurtful and shameful. My own husband, the one whom supposed to be my partner in life was killing me softly. Whether by his hurtful words, or cruel fist or even the ugliest of all; rapping his own wife…just destroyed anything beautiful or hopeful in my eyes.
Until one day I gathered up my courage, held my head up high and finally left. I was granted divorce and only then did the idea of happy again seem possible. Yet it’s been years since, and it seems the damage my X has inflicted is still with me, in me. I want to pick up the pieces and start over, I know not all men are like my X, and I do try to meet “the one”, but every time I do and every time things start to become serious and talk of marriage comes up, all that ugly pain and horror surf up again. Yes, I am terrified of intimacy, I don’t know if I will ever get over the fact of how to be with a man and trust him and love him and to allow him to love me, will it ever be possible?
No one knows my secret and why I always run away even when there is a good man by my side. Many are quick to point fingers and blame, but if they only knew that more than anything I want to be happy, I want to have my own family, but I just don’t know how. But even though, I am determined to fight for what is rightfully mine and no matter how many times I may get knocked down by fear, I will get up and try again…after all it’s a dream for happiness a hope for normalcy and that is what sustains me.
A story of one of our readers retold by Mira Khatib